Because clearly, national security is just a minor detail, isn’t it? india proposing a defense budget of Rs 4.54 lakh crore for 2024-25 is clearly an overreaction. I mean, why on earth would a country data-bordered by two exceptionally neighborly and peace-loving nations like china and pakistan need a robust defense allocation? Surely, their track record speaks for itself.

Take pakistan, for instance. This is a country that has been so generous with its unsolicited gift of terrorism that india should probably send them a thank-you card. Terrorist attacks in Jammu? 11 personnel killed this year? Mere misunderstandings, surely! Oh, and those deep incursions into areas like Doda and Kathua? They’re probably just sightseeing trips by Pakistan-backed militants curious about indian culture.

And China? Let’s not forget their totally legitimate claim over Arunachal Pradesh and their kind-hearted offer to take Aksai Chin off our hands back in 1962. They’re just misunderstood, obviously. Those little incidents at Doklam or along the LAC? Just friendly neighborhood disputes. Who doesn’t love a little data-border quarrel now and then?

So yes, why would india need to spend so much on defense? It’s not like we’ve fought wars with these two benevolent neighbors or anything. The 1947 war, the 1962 debacle, the 1965 and 1971 battles, or even Kargil in 1999—surely just ancient history! Never mind that Kargil reminded us how kind pakistan was to send its soldiers disguised as militants to occupy indian territory.

But Hey, Who Needs Preparation Anyway?

Oh, the Kargil war, you say? The one fought at an altitude of 15,000 feet where india had to learn “expect the unexpected”? Pfft, overhyped. Who needs lessons like self-reliance in weapons when we could just keep begging other countries for arms? But wait—India’s actually moving towards indigenous defense production, with defense exports hitting Rs 16,000 crore? Scandalous! How dare india try to modernize its armed forces and earn foreign exchange at the same time?

And don’t get me started on the creation of the Chief of Defense Staff (CDS) position for better coordination between the Army, Navy, and air Force. What a waste of time, right? After all, who needs coordination in times of crisis? Surely, each branch can just do its own thing, and somehow everything will magically fall into place!

Self-Reliance? Overrated!

As for the government’s push for “Atmanirbhar Bharat” in defense? What a bold move to disrupt our long-standing tradition of depending on imports! Who cares if indigenous production boosts the economy and reduces dependency on foreign powers? And exporting arms to other nations? Ridiculous! Who are we, the United States?

Defense industrial corridors in Uttar Pradesh and tamil Nadu are apparently producing world-class equipment, and India’s defense production has surpassed Rs 1 lakh crore. But surely, none of this matters. We could just as well defend the nation with sticks and stones—who needs tanks and missiles anyway?

So yes, allocating a hefty sum for defense when you’re surrounded by such friendly neighbors might seem wise to some, but it’s obviously completely unnecessary. After all, diplomacy alone should suffice when dealing with China’s warm overtures and Pakistan’s peaceful gestures.

Let’s just assume that the world is a fairytale land where national security takes care of itself. Maybe we can even reduce the defense budget next year. What’s the worst that could happen? Oh right—just the small matter of national sovereignty being at stake. No big deal!

Bravo, government of india, for “wasting” funds on national defense. Clearly, we’ll regret being too prepared—said no nation ever.